My brother Wayne was waiting to have a biopsy. Not a complicated procedure, though it would be uncomfortable. But, he couldn’t eat or drink anything (not even water) until post procedure. “He’ll get in soon,” they said. They just weren’t sure exactly what time.

Several hours went by.  Cotton mouth kicked in. Wayne asked, “Does anyone have a piece of gum on them?”

No one did, but I’d gladly visit the vending machine for him, I said. I’d even buy. Treat’s on me.

My sister thought we should check with the nurses to see if gum is OK. I thought, “I assume it’s fine if he doesn’t swallow it.”  But, I dutifully went and asked the nurse’s assistant—just to be double-dog sure that gum chewing followed by a tissue-snagging session wouldn’t throw his system into orbit.

The assistant, who went by “Angela,” needed to check with someone. Soon, she came to our room with permission. “Gum is OK as long as you don’t swallow it.”

Relieved that I could finally do something, ever so small, to make my big brother feel just an eeny-bit better, I jumped at the chance. “Great. I’ll run and get you some.”

As Angela and I walked together into the hallway, I asked her about the nearest vending. She offered “I can just give you a piece. We’ve got some at the desk.”

“That’d be super. It’ll save me the trip.”

At the nurse’s station, she reached into a drawer and pulled out a little RubberMaid container with a few pieces of gum and teeny Tootsie-Roll candies. As she opened it and extracted a piece of Doublemint, the big nurse behind the station (her name might have been Ratchet) stopped her cold. “Who is that for?”

“It’s for Wayne in 487” (Angela was a little meek here). “I called pre-op, and it’s OK for him to have it.”

“Is he a G-Y-N patient?”

(Come on, Ratchet….you’re asking if “he” is a g-y-n patient.)

“Well, no…” Angela said.

“Then he can’t have it. That’s only for GYN patients.”

As we wondered why, she beat us to the punch.

 “It comes out of the GYN budget.”

I kept my tongue in check and said “That’s OK. I can go to get some.”

But in my head, there’s a little movie playing, starring Sam Kinison (costarring nurse Ratchet):

“IT’S A F!*@ING PIECE OF GUM!

GIVE HIM THE F!*@ING GUM! AGHHHH!!!”